We have been home for 4 full days now. The first night was---awful. I'm not going to sugar coat it. We had only been home from the hospital for 2 hours before we had to leave to go to a Christmas celebration. I was so happy to be able to attend but I was so overwhelmed by things I needed to get done still to make things comfortable for my upcoming weeks of staying at home.
Max did everything I wanted him to in regards to house preparation. However, there are things that I need to do on my own because there is no way to organize my thoughts into a comprehendible piece of text for my wonderful husband to follow.
So, when it was time to go to bed, River was extremely rambunctious. He didn't want to go to sleep. Hazel was up every 30 minutes wanting to nurse or just be held. Perhaps it was just me thinking she needed to be held or nursed. She is a noisy baby. She hardy ever cries but she makes quite a bit of noise when she needs to poop or is just shifting around. A whole lot of grunts come out of that little girl! Then around 1am River woke up from Hazel's noises and didn't go back to sleep until 3:30am. It was a restless night for both Max and I.
I woke up on Christmas morning, sleep deprived, anxious and overwhelmed. My way of dealing with stress is to organize and clean. I feel like if the space around me is clear and clean, my mind can relax a bit. I also think it is a control thing too. I cried probably 5 times on Christmas day. I hardly ever cry so it was a pretty big deal to me. Luckily, Max was there with open arms anytime I had a look of despair on my face or he noticed I was getting overwhelmed. That helped a lot.
The second night was better. I took River to bed first and once he was asleep, Max brought Hazel up. She easily and quickly snapped out of her "eat/sleep every 4 hours" routine that she had at the NICU. She does most of her sleeping during the day and her eating at night. I am trying to get her to switch the two but newborns do whatever the hell they want. I will try more structure as she gets a bit older...maybe a week or so after her due date.
Tired is an understatement. I feel it the most when I have to wake up, change and feed Hazel. Its so hard to keep my eyes open. It would be too easy to just co sleep with her and let her nurse to sleep. But I refuse to let myself or her get into that habit because I don't want a repeat of River. Also, bedsharing is dangerous in of itself, and throwing a toddler in there too just makes it that more dangerous. I feel like she's getting used to her bassinet more and more every night. I am keeping my fingers crossed for a good sleeper and fairly easy baby. River was neither. He's good now, but holy hell it took nearly 2 years for that to happen. I don't want to wait that long this time.
It is the end of day 4 and I look at my sweet toddler and feel so bad for him. He spends his day running around the house making a mess, watching tv, playing on the tablet, playing with playdoh and just trying to be a typical toddler. He doesn't understand the changes happening around him. He wants to be involved with Hazel but is too rough and eager. He is also acting out, causing max and I to easily lose patience with him after the 100th time of telling him to do or not do something. I just feel like he is getting picked on all day and thats not fair to him. I try to make it a point to hug and kiss on him every hour or so no matter how mad or frustrated he has made me. He is just a little boy trying to adjust too. It hurts my heart when my husband has to get after him.
My stepson, Logan was over tonight and River was THRILLED to see him. River has the typical mindset of a little brother when it comes to Logan--rough house! But logan isn't really interested in entertaining his little brother as much as he is interested in staring at his phone. So when River flings himself on Logan, or smacks, throws or bites him out of nowhere, it is easy to get upset but I see it as River yearning for attention from Logan. And once again, River is being told "NO!" a million times over toward his other sibling. I can imagine how confusing and hurtful this must be for River. I know he won't remember any of this but I wonder if it is shaping his character in a significant way. I try to to remember that a ton of kids go through this transition and come out ok.
River is going to go spend time with my grandma tomorrow while max is at work so he can get out of the house and not be so confined and restricted. Also, I need to catch up on sleep while I can. I plan on trying to nap while Hazel is sleeping and just relaxing. I love River with all of my heart but I think we need a break from each others nerves.
I also try to remember that all of this will be a distant memory a few months from now. I am not afraid to admit that I am scared shitless of what the next year holds for us as a family. Being a parent is scary stuff.
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