NICU Day 6.
Day 1 with no oxygen. She needs to make it 5 days without an event to come home.
GOAL: Home for Christmas
Days until Christmas:7
Having this baby in the NICU was a thought that had crossed my mind during my pregnancy, but I didn't think she would go if she went full term. Did I think I would go full term? There was a big part of me that really thought I would. Now, if I ever have a third baby I can say with 90% confidence that I will not go to full term.
Once I knew I was in labor, I figured there was a NICU stay ahead of us. When she was born, they handled it a bit different than they did with River. They had a NICU room beside the OR where they took her and evaluated her. It was at least 5 minutes before Max could even go back and see her. Once he came back, it was another 10 minutes before they confirmed she would be going to the NICU.
I was sad. I didn't even get to hold her for a few minutes before they took her like I did with River. I barely even got to see her. However, I knew that Max would be able to see her once they had her set up in her NICU room.
While I shook and shivered for 2 hours in recovery, I wondered how long we would be staying in NICU this time. When they finally wheeled my bed into her room to peek at her, I could hardly see her because of the way she was laying and the reflection on the glass. But she was resting. She wasn't crying. I looked at all of her wires and the machines she was hooked up to and the tears started flowing. Even though I went through this with River, it was still heartbreaking. The ache a mother feels to hold and cuddle her baby after birth is real. To not be able to do that, is devastating.
The excitement of having a new baby and that baby being a little girl, really carried me through the next few days as I healed. The staff was great to me and I felt like I was on the mend.
The next few days were just filled with questions and tests to rule out certain things and to confirm others. After I was discharged from my hospital stay, I was moved to a parenting room down the hall. It was a small room with a table, chair, bed and bathroom with no shower. This would be my home for the next 4 days. I waited anxiously to move into the NICU parenting room that was closer to Hazel. Those rooms also had a shower!
The logistics of staying somewhere unplanned for an indefinite amount of time is stressful. But all I could do was take it a day at a time. I play it by ear every day on how I am going to get food. Luckily on day 3, my grandma delivered some random things to eat and some cash. The other days before that I relied on the kindness of friends and family to bring me meals.
My stash of food and clean clothes is running low at this point but I plan to restock when i go home tomorrow. I am going to try and not spend too much time obsessing over the house and focus on getting back to Hazel.
Thats the thing about being in the NICU with your child. It doesn't matter if they are just laying there sleeping for 3 hours on end, you still want to be there for it. I have a hard time going to my room at night sleeping because i have to be away. I also have a hard time with pumping at a night feed instead of walking down to nurse her. I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep as it is and I know if I were to walk down here in the middle of the night, it would be an hour process.
I'm trying to let go of the guilt. I am trying to keep my sanity. Not leaving a hospital for a week straight can make a person change a little inside. Luckily, I am able find the small things to focus on that make me happy. For example, the photographer I have is AMAZING and has came to the hospital several times just to take pictures of Hazel's journey here. That was not in the plan or the package that I purchased. I also feel like I am gaining a friend out of it. Tomorrow she is coming with breakfast so that I can look at the pictures she's taken so far. I am glad I have something to look forward to.
As it is now, I am very tired and find it hard to keep my eyes open. It is probably a combination of exhaustion and the pain pills, but it only has ever happened in the NICU. I will be in the middle of reading something or typing something and all of the sudden I feel myself nodding out. That exact thing has happened at least 3 times with this post.
I am all over the place with my first NICU entry but thats ok. It is a good representation of how I feel and all the emotions I feel. A big, messy, un organized mess.
Side note; I cried and cried when I FaceTimed River. As soon as he saw me he began crying "I want mommy! I want cuddle mommy." I am trying not to cry thinking about it.
I will leave that emotional post for another day.
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