I spend my entire day in Hazel's NICU room. I find stuff to keep my mind occupied when she is sleeping, but I am constantly on edge waiting to hear the machines beep and then I wait to see if it was just a fluke, or if she fell into apnea again. And even then, I won't know if it *counts* until the next morning when the doctor's come to give me their updates.
I do leave to go to the bathroom or to eat. I even left yesterday to go home to restock on clothes. I was only gone 2.5 hours but I yearned to be next to her side again. I suppose it is a mother's love because even though she's not "doing" anything, I feel much better being by her side. I hate being away from her at night but at this point, it is good for my body to get even just a little bit of sleep even though it may hurt my heart. And she does wonderful if I'm not here. I usually try to skip one feeding and just pump instead of coming down. I seem to wake up and pump right when she is waking up to eat (completely coincidental). I then wake up a few hours later after that around 6am to eat breakfast and go wait for her to wake up in her room.
Last night she ate 90mls! I had pumped pretty much that amount too so it all seems to align perfectly. I think she is going to chunk up quickly!
Although my heart feels at ease when I am with Hazel in her room, the other part of my heart aches. I haven't got to see River in 8 days. He was sick for the first 4-5 days I was in the hospital and now Max and I think it would be harder for him to see me come and then leave again rather than just me stay gone until we can come home for good. It is hard for me to talk about him because I feel like I'm missing important things in his life too. It is Christmas time and I wanted to do crafts, watch movies and cuddle on the couch while we eat cookies. But instead, I am with his sister, who needs to me too.
I suppose this is just the start of the guilt mothers face when they have multiple children. I simply can't be in more than one place at a time.
I don't know if I mentioned in my previous post, but I finally got moved to the NICU parenting rooms which are closer to wing Hazel is in. It also has a SHOWER. The glorious shower---and privacy! It is not something easily come by here at the hospital. Since my accommodations are better, my mood is better and my stress is less.
Although, I did stop by the house yesterday and the upstairs was destroyed. Max promises he will get it all put back together and looking great by the time we come home, but I have to admit, I am a bit concerned because he still has to work and take care of River. If he gets it done, I will be impressed.
Anyway, lets talk about sweet Hazel Cathryn Nunery. I am STILL in shock that I had a girl. I am so thrilled because I very much wanted a little girl but refused to admit it or say it out loud. She is so wonderful. I will admit that when I pictured me having a little girl, she did not have so much hair--and DARK hair at that. It was such a cool surprise! She had her tongue clipped a few days ago and it has improved her latch to the point where she just goes right on. I'm so glad breastfeeding hasn't been an issue so far. She is getting plenty of milk and then she will want to sleep 3.5-4 hours. We have to wake her up most times to eat. I am very curios to see if she will continue this behavior when she gets home. Of course, she will become more alert but I wonder if she will just naturally be a batter sleeper than River. Lets hope so.
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