Sweet Hazel is killing it in the NICU. The nurses say she shouldn't even really be here haha. But we know we need to play it safe and make it to day 5. We are on DAY 3 as of today. It seems she really has this breathing thing down.
She is 10 days old today.She is still nursing wonderfully although she does spit up if she doesn't give me a big burp. She feeds from both breasts and then sleeps until her next feeding about 3.5-4 hours later. I know this is typical at this stage but I am hoping to maintain a routine with her. Cluster feeding will definitely make it more difficult but I am determined to make my life not so chaotic with 2 kids. Everyone needs structure...especially when I return to work--Which I really don't even want to go back at this point but I know that feeling is also normal. Hopefully it won't be too heartbreaking when I have to go back.
I finally got to see my sweet handsome 2.5 year old! We have been making it a routine for Max to come pick me up around 6 every night and return me to the hospital around 8:30. River has done quite well with this and doesn't seem to be too emotionally distraught. I am SO hoping we are home for Christmas morning. I want to see his cute face when he sees all the toys!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Sunday, December 20, 2015
The NICU Experience: Starting Over
Total Days: 8
Day Count no Events: 1
Well, I got word that Hazel did have an event last night. So instead of being on Day 3 today, we are back to Day 1. I am disappointed to hear this but we know she is in the right place. We do not want her to come home prematuraly and have something bad happen to her. IF she goes event free this time for 5 days, she will make it home for Christmas.
I think being so close to a Christmas deadline, makes it a bit more difficult. It is my favorite holiday but it just doesn't feel like it with us being in the hospital. However, I try not to complain too much because my baby is relatively healthy and just needs time to mature her little lungs. We can do Christmas with River after we are home from the hospital. He won't know the difference.
Being away from River has been very hard. But Max and I have decided that it will be harder for him not to see me the next 4 days so I will get to visit him everyday for a few hours. I hope he doesn't get too upset when I have to leave again. I think once I get to visit with him, I will feel much better about the stay here.
Another silver lining is that I get to stay in the NICU parenting room. It isn't much but I have made it my home and it is pretty cozy now haha. It has a shower and that is in of itself amazing. While living out of a suitcase isn't super fun, it is much better than having to go home and commute back and forth.
Bottom line: All that matter is that Hazel is healthy and safe. Breathing through this and trying to be patient.
For some reason I can't post pictures on here but I will as soon as I figure it out.
Day Count no Events: 1
Well, I got word that Hazel did have an event last night. So instead of being on Day 3 today, we are back to Day 1. I am disappointed to hear this but we know she is in the right place. We do not want her to come home prematuraly and have something bad happen to her. IF she goes event free this time for 5 days, she will make it home for Christmas.
I think being so close to a Christmas deadline, makes it a bit more difficult. It is my favorite holiday but it just doesn't feel like it with us being in the hospital. However, I try not to complain too much because my baby is relatively healthy and just needs time to mature her little lungs. We can do Christmas with River after we are home from the hospital. He won't know the difference.
Being away from River has been very hard. But Max and I have decided that it will be harder for him not to see me the next 4 days so I will get to visit him everyday for a few hours. I hope he doesn't get too upset when I have to leave again. I think once I get to visit with him, I will feel much better about the stay here.
Another silver lining is that I get to stay in the NICU parenting room. It isn't much but I have made it my home and it is pretty cozy now haha. It has a shower and that is in of itself amazing. While living out of a suitcase isn't super fun, it is much better than having to go home and commute back and forth.
Bottom line: All that matter is that Hazel is healthy and safe. Breathing through this and trying to be patient.
For some reason I can't post pictures on here but I will as soon as I figure it out.
The NICU Experience: Sitting on Edge
I will find out if Hazel made it to Day 3 with no events when the doctors make their rounds in a few hours. There was only one incident that *might* be considered an event but I am hoping not.
I spend my entire day in Hazel's NICU room. I find stuff to keep my mind occupied when she is sleeping, but I am constantly on edge waiting to hear the machines beep and then I wait to see if it was just a fluke, or if she fell into apnea again. And even then, I won't know if it *counts* until the next morning when the doctor's come to give me their updates.
I do leave to go to the bathroom or to eat. I even left yesterday to go home to restock on clothes. I was only gone 2.5 hours but I yearned to be next to her side again. I suppose it is a mother's love because even though she's not "doing" anything, I feel much better being by her side. I hate being away from her at night but at this point, it is good for my body to get even just a little bit of sleep even though it may hurt my heart. And she does wonderful if I'm not here. I usually try to skip one feeding and just pump instead of coming down. I seem to wake up and pump right when she is waking up to eat (completely coincidental). I then wake up a few hours later after that around 6am to eat breakfast and go wait for her to wake up in her room.
Last night she ate 90mls! I had pumped pretty much that amount too so it all seems to align perfectly. I think she is going to chunk up quickly!
Although my heart feels at ease when I am with Hazel in her room, the other part of my heart aches. I haven't got to see River in 8 days. He was sick for the first 4-5 days I was in the hospital and now Max and I think it would be harder for him to see me come and then leave again rather than just me stay gone until we can come home for good. It is hard for me to talk about him because I feel like I'm missing important things in his life too. It is Christmas time and I wanted to do crafts, watch movies and cuddle on the couch while we eat cookies. But instead, I am with his sister, who needs to me too.
I suppose this is just the start of the guilt mothers face when they have multiple children. I simply can't be in more than one place at a time.
I don't know if I mentioned in my previous post, but I finally got moved to the NICU parenting rooms which are closer to wing Hazel is in. It also has a SHOWER. The glorious shower---and privacy! It is not something easily come by here at the hospital. Since my accommodations are better, my mood is better and my stress is less.
Although, I did stop by the house yesterday and the upstairs was destroyed. Max promises he will get it all put back together and looking great by the time we come home, but I have to admit, I am a bit concerned because he still has to work and take care of River. If he gets it done, I will be impressed.
Anyway, lets talk about sweet Hazel Cathryn Nunery. I am STILL in shock that I had a girl. I am so thrilled because I very much wanted a little girl but refused to admit it or say it out loud. She is so wonderful. I will admit that when I pictured me having a little girl, she did not have so much hair--and DARK hair at that. It was such a cool surprise! She had her tongue clipped a few days ago and it has improved her latch to the point where she just goes right on. I'm so glad breastfeeding hasn't been an issue so far. She is getting plenty of milk and then she will want to sleep 3.5-4 hours. We have to wake her up most times to eat. I am very curios to see if she will continue this behavior when she gets home. Of course, she will become more alert but I wonder if she will just naturally be a batter sleeper than River. Lets hope so.
I spend my entire day in Hazel's NICU room. I find stuff to keep my mind occupied when she is sleeping, but I am constantly on edge waiting to hear the machines beep and then I wait to see if it was just a fluke, or if she fell into apnea again. And even then, I won't know if it *counts* until the next morning when the doctor's come to give me their updates.
I do leave to go to the bathroom or to eat. I even left yesterday to go home to restock on clothes. I was only gone 2.5 hours but I yearned to be next to her side again. I suppose it is a mother's love because even though she's not "doing" anything, I feel much better being by her side. I hate being away from her at night but at this point, it is good for my body to get even just a little bit of sleep even though it may hurt my heart. And she does wonderful if I'm not here. I usually try to skip one feeding and just pump instead of coming down. I seem to wake up and pump right when she is waking up to eat (completely coincidental). I then wake up a few hours later after that around 6am to eat breakfast and go wait for her to wake up in her room.
Last night she ate 90mls! I had pumped pretty much that amount too so it all seems to align perfectly. I think she is going to chunk up quickly!
Although my heart feels at ease when I am with Hazel in her room, the other part of my heart aches. I haven't got to see River in 8 days. He was sick for the first 4-5 days I was in the hospital and now Max and I think it would be harder for him to see me come and then leave again rather than just me stay gone until we can come home for good. It is hard for me to talk about him because I feel like I'm missing important things in his life too. It is Christmas time and I wanted to do crafts, watch movies and cuddle on the couch while we eat cookies. But instead, I am with his sister, who needs to me too.
I suppose this is just the start of the guilt mothers face when they have multiple children. I simply can't be in more than one place at a time.
I don't know if I mentioned in my previous post, but I finally got moved to the NICU parenting rooms which are closer to wing Hazel is in. It also has a SHOWER. The glorious shower---and privacy! It is not something easily come by here at the hospital. Since my accommodations are better, my mood is better and my stress is less.
Although, I did stop by the house yesterday and the upstairs was destroyed. Max promises he will get it all put back together and looking great by the time we come home, but I have to admit, I am a bit concerned because he still has to work and take care of River. If he gets it done, I will be impressed.
Anyway, lets talk about sweet Hazel Cathryn Nunery. I am STILL in shock that I had a girl. I am so thrilled because I very much wanted a little girl but refused to admit it or say it out loud. She is so wonderful. I will admit that when I pictured me having a little girl, she did not have so much hair--and DARK hair at that. It was such a cool surprise! She had her tongue clipped a few days ago and it has improved her latch to the point where she just goes right on. I'm so glad breastfeeding hasn't been an issue so far. She is getting plenty of milk and then she will want to sleep 3.5-4 hours. We have to wake her up most times to eat. I am very curios to see if she will continue this behavior when she gets home. Of course, she will become more alert but I wonder if she will just naturally be a batter sleeper than River. Lets hope so.
Friday, December 18, 2015
The NICU Experience: Unorganized Internal Chaos
NICU Day 6.
Day 1 with no oxygen. She needs to make it 5 days without an event to come home.
GOAL: Home for Christmas
Days until Christmas:7
Having this baby in the NICU was a thought that had crossed my mind during my pregnancy, but I didn't think she would go if she went full term. Did I think I would go full term? There was a big part of me that really thought I would. Now, if I ever have a third baby I can say with 90% confidence that I will not go to full term.
Once I knew I was in labor, I figured there was a NICU stay ahead of us. When she was born, they handled it a bit different than they did with River. They had a NICU room beside the OR where they took her and evaluated her. It was at least 5 minutes before Max could even go back and see her. Once he came back, it was another 10 minutes before they confirmed she would be going to the NICU.
I was sad. I didn't even get to hold her for a few minutes before they took her like I did with River. I barely even got to see her. However, I knew that Max would be able to see her once they had her set up in her NICU room.
While I shook and shivered for 2 hours in recovery, I wondered how long we would be staying in NICU this time. When they finally wheeled my bed into her room to peek at her, I could hardly see her because of the way she was laying and the reflection on the glass. But she was resting. She wasn't crying. I looked at all of her wires and the machines she was hooked up to and the tears started flowing. Even though I went through this with River, it was still heartbreaking. The ache a mother feels to hold and cuddle her baby after birth is real. To not be able to do that, is devastating.
The excitement of having a new baby and that baby being a little girl, really carried me through the next few days as I healed. The staff was great to me and I felt like I was on the mend.
The next few days were just filled with questions and tests to rule out certain things and to confirm others. After I was discharged from my hospital stay, I was moved to a parenting room down the hall. It was a small room with a table, chair, bed and bathroom with no shower. This would be my home for the next 4 days. I waited anxiously to move into the NICU parenting room that was closer to Hazel. Those rooms also had a shower!
The logistics of staying somewhere unplanned for an indefinite amount of time is stressful. But all I could do was take it a day at a time. I play it by ear every day on how I am going to get food. Luckily on day 3, my grandma delivered some random things to eat and some cash. The other days before that I relied on the kindness of friends and family to bring me meals.
My stash of food and clean clothes is running low at this point but I plan to restock when i go home tomorrow. I am going to try and not spend too much time obsessing over the house and focus on getting back to Hazel.
Thats the thing about being in the NICU with your child. It doesn't matter if they are just laying there sleeping for 3 hours on end, you still want to be there for it. I have a hard time going to my room at night sleeping because i have to be away. I also have a hard time with pumping at a night feed instead of walking down to nurse her. I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep as it is and I know if I were to walk down here in the middle of the night, it would be an hour process.
I'm trying to let go of the guilt. I am trying to keep my sanity. Not leaving a hospital for a week straight can make a person change a little inside. Luckily, I am able find the small things to focus on that make me happy. For example, the photographer I have is AMAZING and has came to the hospital several times just to take pictures of Hazel's journey here. That was not in the plan or the package that I purchased. I also feel like I am gaining a friend out of it. Tomorrow she is coming with breakfast so that I can look at the pictures she's taken so far. I am glad I have something to look forward to.
As it is now, I am very tired and find it hard to keep my eyes open. It is probably a combination of exhaustion and the pain pills, but it only has ever happened in the NICU. I will be in the middle of reading something or typing something and all of the sudden I feel myself nodding out. That exact thing has happened at least 3 times with this post.
I am all over the place with my first NICU entry but thats ok. It is a good representation of how I feel and all the emotions I feel. A big, messy, un organized mess.
Side note; I cried and cried when I FaceTimed River. As soon as he saw me he began crying "I want mommy! I want cuddle mommy." I am trying not to cry thinking about it.
I will leave that emotional post for another day.
Day 1 with no oxygen. She needs to make it 5 days without an event to come home.
GOAL: Home for Christmas
Days until Christmas:7
Having this baby in the NICU was a thought that had crossed my mind during my pregnancy, but I didn't think she would go if she went full term. Did I think I would go full term? There was a big part of me that really thought I would. Now, if I ever have a third baby I can say with 90% confidence that I will not go to full term.
Once I knew I was in labor, I figured there was a NICU stay ahead of us. When she was born, they handled it a bit different than they did with River. They had a NICU room beside the OR where they took her and evaluated her. It was at least 5 minutes before Max could even go back and see her. Once he came back, it was another 10 minutes before they confirmed she would be going to the NICU.
I was sad. I didn't even get to hold her for a few minutes before they took her like I did with River. I barely even got to see her. However, I knew that Max would be able to see her once they had her set up in her NICU room.
While I shook and shivered for 2 hours in recovery, I wondered how long we would be staying in NICU this time. When they finally wheeled my bed into her room to peek at her, I could hardly see her because of the way she was laying and the reflection on the glass. But she was resting. She wasn't crying. I looked at all of her wires and the machines she was hooked up to and the tears started flowing. Even though I went through this with River, it was still heartbreaking. The ache a mother feels to hold and cuddle her baby after birth is real. To not be able to do that, is devastating.
The excitement of having a new baby and that baby being a little girl, really carried me through the next few days as I healed. The staff was great to me and I felt like I was on the mend.
The next few days were just filled with questions and tests to rule out certain things and to confirm others. After I was discharged from my hospital stay, I was moved to a parenting room down the hall. It was a small room with a table, chair, bed and bathroom with no shower. This would be my home for the next 4 days. I waited anxiously to move into the NICU parenting room that was closer to Hazel. Those rooms also had a shower!
The logistics of staying somewhere unplanned for an indefinite amount of time is stressful. But all I could do was take it a day at a time. I play it by ear every day on how I am going to get food. Luckily on day 3, my grandma delivered some random things to eat and some cash. The other days before that I relied on the kindness of friends and family to bring me meals.
My stash of food and clean clothes is running low at this point but I plan to restock when i go home tomorrow. I am going to try and not spend too much time obsessing over the house and focus on getting back to Hazel.
Thats the thing about being in the NICU with your child. It doesn't matter if they are just laying there sleeping for 3 hours on end, you still want to be there for it. I have a hard time going to my room at night sleeping because i have to be away. I also have a hard time with pumping at a night feed instead of walking down to nurse her. I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep as it is and I know if I were to walk down here in the middle of the night, it would be an hour process.
I'm trying to let go of the guilt. I am trying to keep my sanity. Not leaving a hospital for a week straight can make a person change a little inside. Luckily, I am able find the small things to focus on that make me happy. For example, the photographer I have is AMAZING and has came to the hospital several times just to take pictures of Hazel's journey here. That was not in the plan or the package that I purchased. I also feel like I am gaining a friend out of it. Tomorrow she is coming with breakfast so that I can look at the pictures she's taken so far. I am glad I have something to look forward to.
As it is now, I am very tired and find it hard to keep my eyes open. It is probably a combination of exhaustion and the pain pills, but it only has ever happened in the NICU. I will be in the middle of reading something or typing something and all of the sudden I feel myself nodding out. That exact thing has happened at least 3 times with this post.
I am all over the place with my first NICU entry but thats ok. It is a good representation of how I feel and all the emotions I feel. A big, messy, un organized mess.
Side note; I cried and cried when I FaceTimed River. As soon as he saw me he began crying "I want mommy! I want cuddle mommy." I am trying not to cry thinking about it.
I will leave that emotional post for another day.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Welcome Baby!
I am just as surprised to have another blog entry so soon after my last one! Maybe this is the start of something beautiful, this blog and I. A lot has happened in just the 6 days since I last updated. So lets get to it.
First, I had the new baby (hence the title) Saturday, December 12th, 2015 at 7:55pm. We were surprised to learn that baby is a girl! We named her Hazel without a second guess. She is Hazel Cathryn Nunery and she is so beautiful.
Her birth story doesn't need an extremely long and emotional explanation like River's did. Labor started very similar to how my labor with River started though. Looking back, I felt pretty crummy the entire week leading up to her birth. Things felt "off" but I kept pushing through, determined to make it through the work weeks until Christmas break.
All day Friday I felt pretty uncomfortable but shrugged it off as late pregnancy symptoms. However, around midnight, I started to feel what could be contractions but they weren't strong or painful enough that I was sure what I was feeling. I decided to try to time them and they were 7-10 minutes apart. I called Max to tell him and he came upstairs to see how I was doing and we both decided to just sleep on it and see how I was feeling tomorrow. I was able to sleep from 2-8am so I figured it was a fluke since I was able to get some shut eye. Yet, I still felt very "heavy" and low. The contractions were still there along with a constant, dull period-like-cramp sensation. But we had a big day planned! It was the annual Miamisburg Holiday Parade and Celebration and River would actually know what would be going on.A Santa visit was to follow the parade. I decided to myself that if I wasn't feeling better by the time we got home from the celebration, then I would call my doctor.
We walked around downtown Miamisburg while I was contracting and feeling pretty uncomfortable. I still refused to believe I was in labor. As we waited for the parade, I had a woman ask me when the baby would be here. I told her in about 15 days. Little did I know that it would only be a matter of hours before the new Nunery would arrive.
After we ate and got home, I called the doctor and because of my history, they wanted me to go get checked out. I grabbed my purse, and kissed River and Max goodbye and said I would be back in a little bit.
Fast forward to the nurse checking my dilation. I was at a 4. That was enough to move up my csection date to that night instead of the 30th. I was in shock at the news that I would have a baby in just a mere few hours.
Everything happened pretty standard and fast after that. I got my spinal and laid down to be cut open.
I wanted Max to announce to the room what the sex was. Some tugging and pulling and a comment from the medical team of "this is a big baby for being early!" I heard Max say "Ohhhh a little girl!" I started laughing and said "no way!" Then they showed her to me and I cried those happy tears that I couldn't control at all.
Unfortunately, I did not get to see her again until after I got out of recovery. It was hard, but not as emotionally shocking as it was with River. I knew her being taken to the NICU would be a real possibility based off her age and my history.
My mom and brother were in the waiting room when I got into recovery. They were able to go back and see her in the NICU along with Max. When I was done with recovery, they wheeled me to peek at her before taking me back to my room. I cried when I saw her. And thus began another journey in the NICU.
First, I had the new baby (hence the title) Saturday, December 12th, 2015 at 7:55pm. We were surprised to learn that baby is a girl! We named her Hazel without a second guess. She is Hazel Cathryn Nunery and she is so beautiful.
Her birth story doesn't need an extremely long and emotional explanation like River's did. Labor started very similar to how my labor with River started though. Looking back, I felt pretty crummy the entire week leading up to her birth. Things felt "off" but I kept pushing through, determined to make it through the work weeks until Christmas break.
All day Friday I felt pretty uncomfortable but shrugged it off as late pregnancy symptoms. However, around midnight, I started to feel what could be contractions but they weren't strong or painful enough that I was sure what I was feeling. I decided to try to time them and they were 7-10 minutes apart. I called Max to tell him and he came upstairs to see how I was doing and we both decided to just sleep on it and see how I was feeling tomorrow. I was able to sleep from 2-8am so I figured it was a fluke since I was able to get some shut eye. Yet, I still felt very "heavy" and low. The contractions were still there along with a constant, dull period-like-cramp sensation. But we had a big day planned! It was the annual Miamisburg Holiday Parade and Celebration and River would actually know what would be going on.A Santa visit was to follow the parade. I decided to myself that if I wasn't feeling better by the time we got home from the celebration, then I would call my doctor.
We walked around downtown Miamisburg while I was contracting and feeling pretty uncomfortable. I still refused to believe I was in labor. As we waited for the parade, I had a woman ask me when the baby would be here. I told her in about 15 days. Little did I know that it would only be a matter of hours before the new Nunery would arrive.
After we ate and got home, I called the doctor and because of my history, they wanted me to go get checked out. I grabbed my purse, and kissed River and Max goodbye and said I would be back in a little bit.
Fast forward to the nurse checking my dilation. I was at a 4. That was enough to move up my csection date to that night instead of the 30th. I was in shock at the news that I would have a baby in just a mere few hours.
Everything happened pretty standard and fast after that. I got my spinal and laid down to be cut open.
I wanted Max to announce to the room what the sex was. Some tugging and pulling and a comment from the medical team of "this is a big baby for being early!" I heard Max say "Ohhhh a little girl!" I started laughing and said "no way!" Then they showed her to me and I cried those happy tears that I couldn't control at all.
Unfortunately, I did not get to see her again until after I got out of recovery. It was hard, but not as emotionally shocking as it was with River. I knew her being taken to the NICU would be a real possibility based off her age and my history.
My mom and brother were in the waiting room when I got into recovery. They were able to go back and see her in the NICU along with Max. When I was done with recovery, they wheeled me to peek at her before taking me back to my room. I cried when I saw her. And thus began another journey in the NICU.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Infrequent Update
I'm still here! As usual, just living the life an awful blogger, which means I never update!!
I want to say I will keep up with this. I want to use this more for looking back at my kids' childhood and how they grow and change. I am told by too many people that we forget the small things. I know I will forget too, so maybe keeping up with this blog for only personal and reflection reasons might give me the motivation to update more often. I can try putting a reminder in my calendar! I think once a month is a good goal to start off with :)
Ok so let me try to fill in a quick update since I haven't said anything since April (it is now December).
In the last post, I was about to graduate and we had just experienced an early miscarriage. Well good news! I did graduate and found a job fairly quickly as a full time educational interpreter for a Kindergarten student. I love it! I am also 36 weeks pregnant with our second child! I became pregnant almost immediately after the miscarriage. So this is what they call a "rainbow baby." We will not know the gender of this new Nunery until s/he is born. Somehow Max was able to convince me to keep it a surprise. I never thought I could do it but here we are and I have to say, it has been fun torturing the ones who want to know as badly (if not more) as I do.
My csection is scheduled for 12/30/15. I am hoping I can make it that long. In just 3 days is when I will be 36 weeks 5 days, which is when I went into labor with River. I am hoping to 1.) Make it until 12/18 (last day of work before christmas break) and 2.) Make it until 12/26. I do not want to have a Christmas baby. I would love one last Christmas where it is just River. Not to mention I don't want to be in the hospital on my favorite holiday!
We have no solid boy names. The names that we have played around with but can't commit to include, Abraham, Avett, Hayes, Hawthorne, Reed and countless others.
Girl names that we like are Hazel (in the lead), Juniper (max doesn't like this one), and Clementine.
Now, for a River Bennett Nunery update. He is growing so quickly and is such a smarty pants. He knows his colors, shapes, and most letters. He speaks in full sentences. He is still obsessed with pumpkins and Jack Skellington. He sleeps in our room still with his toddler bed pushed up against our bed but spends most nights cuddled up to mommy. I am a bit worried how the new baby will change things but we will figure it out. River loves books and playing on youtube on my phone. He will pretend to read books, specifically (If You Give a Dog a Donut and Five Little Pumpkins.)
Rive is also starting to get defiant and resisting being told what to do---especially by me. But I remind myself it is just his age and normal. I try to be patient and loving but I lose it sometimes. I am sure to remind him that I love him and that he is very special.
He often asks to "cuddle mommy" but he has a very special bond with his daddy and often plays with him and snuggles him in the morning while I am getting ready for work.
We have some big changes coming our way, but within 2 years we will have a new "normal" established I think. I am very nervous about adding a new member to our clan but with support and love, I know we will figure it out!
I want to say I will keep up with this. I want to use this more for looking back at my kids' childhood and how they grow and change. I am told by too many people that we forget the small things. I know I will forget too, so maybe keeping up with this blog for only personal and reflection reasons might give me the motivation to update more often. I can try putting a reminder in my calendar! I think once a month is a good goal to start off with :)
Ok so let me try to fill in a quick update since I haven't said anything since April (it is now December).
In the last post, I was about to graduate and we had just experienced an early miscarriage. Well good news! I did graduate and found a job fairly quickly as a full time educational interpreter for a Kindergarten student. I love it! I am also 36 weeks pregnant with our second child! I became pregnant almost immediately after the miscarriage. So this is what they call a "rainbow baby." We will not know the gender of this new Nunery until s/he is born. Somehow Max was able to convince me to keep it a surprise. I never thought I could do it but here we are and I have to say, it has been fun torturing the ones who want to know as badly (if not more) as I do.
My csection is scheduled for 12/30/15. I am hoping I can make it that long. In just 3 days is when I will be 36 weeks 5 days, which is when I went into labor with River. I am hoping to 1.) Make it until 12/18 (last day of work before christmas break) and 2.) Make it until 12/26. I do not want to have a Christmas baby. I would love one last Christmas where it is just River. Not to mention I don't want to be in the hospital on my favorite holiday!
We have no solid boy names. The names that we have played around with but can't commit to include, Abraham, Avett, Hayes, Hawthorne, Reed and countless others.
Girl names that we like are Hazel (in the lead), Juniper (max doesn't like this one), and Clementine.
Now, for a River Bennett Nunery update. He is growing so quickly and is such a smarty pants. He knows his colors, shapes, and most letters. He speaks in full sentences. He is still obsessed with pumpkins and Jack Skellington. He sleeps in our room still with his toddler bed pushed up against our bed but spends most nights cuddled up to mommy. I am a bit worried how the new baby will change things but we will figure it out. River loves books and playing on youtube on my phone. He will pretend to read books, specifically (If You Give a Dog a Donut and Five Little Pumpkins.)
Rive is also starting to get defiant and resisting being told what to do---especially by me. But I remind myself it is just his age and normal. I try to be patient and loving but I lose it sometimes. I am sure to remind him that I love him and that he is very special.
He often asks to "cuddle mommy" but he has a very special bond with his daddy and often plays with him and snuggles him in the morning while I am getting ready for work.
We have some big changes coming our way, but within 2 years we will have a new "normal" established I think. I am very nervous about adding a new member to our clan but with support and love, I know we will figure it out!
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Leaving the Woo Behind
I was looking at my previous posts on this blog and I feel the need to apologize and talk a little bit about how I have evolved as a parent. I can now admit that I was a "sanctimommy" about several parenting topics for the first 6 months of my son's life. Here is how I found my way in and (thankfully) found my way out.
I bought into the "natural parenting" trend pretty early on in my parenting journey. I knew nothing about parenting trends or choices when I got pregnant. So I did what any 20 something year old would do in this decade; I went to the internet. It didn't happen all at once. It crept into my brain little by little. Everyday I would read countless blog posts and articles from these "crunchy" moms. Eventually, I decided I wanted a natural birth because I read that it was better for the baby (who needs actual evidence--clearly not me at this time). When I would read an article about natural birth, it would lead me down a rabbit hole to other "natural" topics such as the benefits of breastfeeding and babywearing.
Now let me say something before I go on. All of the choices I have mentioned so far are not "wrong" by any means. Just because someone makes these choices doesn't make them a "woo filled person." I actually plan to try to do everything I have mentioned so far with my next child. The problem begins when a person makes these decisions with a feeling of superiority. When a mother begins to look down on others because they got an epidural, chose to bottle feed or simply didn't want to baby wear, is when it becomes a problem.
Another problem within the natural parenting community (NPC) is that they convince you that you are less of a person/mother because you didn't meet their expectations in one way or another. Let me give you an example. When I posted my birth story, I mentioned several times that I felt like I failed and that I was disappointed in myself because I "let" them do interventions on me and I "agreed" to a C-Section. Do you know why I felt that way? It's because I was being fed bullshit from the NPC that birth is natural and a woman's body "knows what to do" and so on and so on. I was convinced that if I didn't deliver my child from my vagina, that I was less of a woman. I believed this for SIX MONTHS. I was told to be ashamed of my csection. I didn't really feel that way though. I convinced myself that it was "unnecessary." The reality was that deep down, I didn't care that I had a csection, I was actually relived that it was an available option. I couldn't admit that though because then I would have to feel less superior. See, in the NPC, it is ok to have a csection---as long as you regret it. If you don't regret it, you are harassed and told that you are being lied to by the doctors and that you probably could have had a natural birth if you tried harder. I have seen these comments from real women! People really do say this stuff.
So lets fast forward to after my son's birth. We were starting our breastfeeding relationship and had encountered some issues. I found a few local natural parenting groups on Facebook so of course I joined. This is where I really start to fall deep into the woo. People posted all types of bullshit that lacked scientific evidence (essential oils, colloidal silver, dietary restrictions, etc.) Long story short, I read and I believed. It didn't take much. As I started to believe all these things, my ego was growing. I felt empowered. I felt like I was doing things better than everyone else who was doing something different or "mainstream". Basically, I was an asshole. One area that I was particularly an asshole about was nursing. I quickly turned into a "breastfeeding warrior" and made sure everyone knew "breast was best." I made so many posts on my wall about how breastfeeding was superior. I noticed people were deleting me and I shrugged it off thinking that they were just insecure with their choices.
The next thing was the chiropractor. Everyone told me my son was fussy because he needed an adjustment. My husband had been tolerant of my views up until this point because I wasn't doing anything that could negatively impact our son. My husband and I argued about taking our son to the chiro for weeks. We were both frustrated with each other. He is in the healthcare field and has much more knowledge than I (or my internet friends) on how the human body functions.But I chose to ignore his education and qualifications and listen to google instead. He finally gave in. This is where it gets kind of scary for me. The chiro I went to did neck adjustments on me. Luckily, she didn't do much to my son except some head squeezing (also known as craniosacral therapy). Neck adjustments (cracking) are very dangerous. People have died because of them. Luckily, I stopped going about 2 months later because I noticed nothing was changing in either myself or my son.
Eventually, I made my way to the topic of vaccines. I was knee deep in all of the anti vaccine propaganda. We put him on a delayed schedule because it was a "middle ground" for my husband and I. I got deeper and deeper into the anti vax world. I tried to convince my husband that we should stop vaccinations all together. My husband was becoming very frustrated with me at this point. He was convinced I was crazy. I had such high anxiety from all the blogs I was reading about how dangerous vaccines were but didn't even think to look at the other side from a neutral perspective. This went on for months. Fortunately, my son never got sick and we never completely stopped the shots.
The end came when a friend started talking to me about vaccines and the evidence behind them. She also spoke to me about my birth and how I shouldn't feel ashamed. I think what really got me out of the woo was finding a community of people on facebook who valued evidence. I started reading the information they shared and began questioning my previous notions. I also realized how stupid I looked. Needless to say, my husband was very happy that I found my way out.
The internet got me into woo and it took the internet to get me away from it. My son is all caught up on his vaccinations and we will not delay the shots with our future children.
I want the women who buy into the NPC standards to step back and really evaluate their beliefs and where they come from. I used to be just like them. I didn't want to look at the other side because I didn't want to be told I was wrong. I wanted to feel better about myself for making "different" choices. I want them to ask themselves "what does the evidence say?" I want them to look beyond the biased blogs and articles they read and really evaluate where their beliefs are coming from. It is possible to parent with out guilt! I am now woo free and happy to say that I LOVE SCIENCE.
I bought into the "natural parenting" trend pretty early on in my parenting journey. I knew nothing about parenting trends or choices when I got pregnant. So I did what any 20 something year old would do in this decade; I went to the internet. It didn't happen all at once. It crept into my brain little by little. Everyday I would read countless blog posts and articles from these "crunchy" moms. Eventually, I decided I wanted a natural birth because I read that it was better for the baby (who needs actual evidence--clearly not me at this time). When I would read an article about natural birth, it would lead me down a rabbit hole to other "natural" topics such as the benefits of breastfeeding and babywearing.
Now let me say something before I go on. All of the choices I have mentioned so far are not "wrong" by any means. Just because someone makes these choices doesn't make them a "woo filled person." I actually plan to try to do everything I have mentioned so far with my next child. The problem begins when a person makes these decisions with a feeling of superiority. When a mother begins to look down on others because they got an epidural, chose to bottle feed or simply didn't want to baby wear, is when it becomes a problem.
Another problem within the natural parenting community (NPC) is that they convince you that you are less of a person/mother because you didn't meet their expectations in one way or another. Let me give you an example. When I posted my birth story, I mentioned several times that I felt like I failed and that I was disappointed in myself because I "let" them do interventions on me and I "agreed" to a C-Section. Do you know why I felt that way? It's because I was being fed bullshit from the NPC that birth is natural and a woman's body "knows what to do" and so on and so on. I was convinced that if I didn't deliver my child from my vagina, that I was less of a woman. I believed this for SIX MONTHS. I was told to be ashamed of my csection. I didn't really feel that way though. I convinced myself that it was "unnecessary." The reality was that deep down, I didn't care that I had a csection, I was actually relived that it was an available option. I couldn't admit that though because then I would have to feel less superior. See, in the NPC, it is ok to have a csection---as long as you regret it. If you don't regret it, you are harassed and told that you are being lied to by the doctors and that you probably could have had a natural birth if you tried harder. I have seen these comments from real women! People really do say this stuff.
So lets fast forward to after my son's birth. We were starting our breastfeeding relationship and had encountered some issues. I found a few local natural parenting groups on Facebook so of course I joined. This is where I really start to fall deep into the woo. People posted all types of bullshit that lacked scientific evidence (essential oils, colloidal silver, dietary restrictions, etc.) Long story short, I read and I believed. It didn't take much. As I started to believe all these things, my ego was growing. I felt empowered. I felt like I was doing things better than everyone else who was doing something different or "mainstream". Basically, I was an asshole. One area that I was particularly an asshole about was nursing. I quickly turned into a "breastfeeding warrior" and made sure everyone knew "breast was best." I made so many posts on my wall about how breastfeeding was superior. I noticed people were deleting me and I shrugged it off thinking that they were just insecure with their choices.
The next thing was the chiropractor. Everyone told me my son was fussy because he needed an adjustment. My husband had been tolerant of my views up until this point because I wasn't doing anything that could negatively impact our son. My husband and I argued about taking our son to the chiro for weeks. We were both frustrated with each other. He is in the healthcare field and has much more knowledge than I (or my internet friends) on how the human body functions.But I chose to ignore his education and qualifications and listen to google instead. He finally gave in. This is where it gets kind of scary for me. The chiro I went to did neck adjustments on me. Luckily, she didn't do much to my son except some head squeezing (also known as craniosacral therapy). Neck adjustments (cracking) are very dangerous. People have died because of them. Luckily, I stopped going about 2 months later because I noticed nothing was changing in either myself or my son.
Eventually, I made my way to the topic of vaccines. I was knee deep in all of the anti vaccine propaganda. We put him on a delayed schedule because it was a "middle ground" for my husband and I. I got deeper and deeper into the anti vax world. I tried to convince my husband that we should stop vaccinations all together. My husband was becoming very frustrated with me at this point. He was convinced I was crazy. I had such high anxiety from all the blogs I was reading about how dangerous vaccines were but didn't even think to look at the other side from a neutral perspective. This went on for months. Fortunately, my son never got sick and we never completely stopped the shots.
The end came when a friend started talking to me about vaccines and the evidence behind them. She also spoke to me about my birth and how I shouldn't feel ashamed. I think what really got me out of the woo was finding a community of people on facebook who valued evidence. I started reading the information they shared and began questioning my previous notions. I also realized how stupid I looked. Needless to say, my husband was very happy that I found my way out.
The internet got me into woo and it took the internet to get me away from it. My son is all caught up on his vaccinations and we will not delay the shots with our future children.
I want the women who buy into the NPC standards to step back and really evaluate their beliefs and where they come from. I used to be just like them. I didn't want to look at the other side because I didn't want to be told I was wrong. I wanted to feel better about myself for making "different" choices. I want them to ask themselves "what does the evidence say?" I want them to look beyond the biased blogs and articles they read and really evaluate where their beliefs are coming from. It is possible to parent with out guilt! I am now woo free and happy to say that I LOVE SCIENCE.
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