Becoming Mommy: River's Birth Story

                My entire pregnancy I just knew I would go past my due date. I guess my reasoning behind this theory is because my mother went past her due date with both of her kids. My pregnancy was as smooth as a pregnancy could be. I never got morning sickness and I could hardly tell I was pregnant until I started to show and feel him move around. The idea of having a life inside me was exciting but still so abstract.

                I had planned a natural birth. I was even going to the birth center that was attached to the hospital to give birth. I wanted a water birth for my son. I had done countless hours of research on natural birth and I felt like I could really do it. I had a great birth plan and I felt confident in my ability to deliver my child like so many women did before me.  I also knew that the fact that I had a birth plan, did not mean I was going to get what I wanted. I was fully aware that I could end up with a C-section. I was accepting of that. It is not what I wanted, but it was a fact that I had to be ok with.

                By my 33^rd week of pregnancy, everything in the house was pretty much ready for baby. However, by my 36^th week, I began to get anxious about some other areas of the house and things I still needed for my hospital bag. Two days before I went into labor, I walked a lot; not on purpose though. It was just in my agenda those two days. In those two days, I also moved around furniture- in the hottest room of the house. I could justify this behavior but I really think it was my crazy pregnancy instinct’s to do some final “nesting.” I knew that nesting was a sign of labor, but I didn’t even let that fact cross my mind because I just knew I would go 2 weeks past my due date.

                After I rearranged my office and moved a bookshelf down a flight of steps to the nursery, I took a little nap. Then, I got up and cleaned the house. I got all my laundry done, the rest of the babies laundry washed, the dishes cleaned and put away and cleaned the bathroom. When all of that was done, I went to Wal-Mart to do some labor bag shopping. I also wanted to restock on some groceries.  Add a trip to the mall to get some nursing bras and that is one full day!

                Later that night, after my chores were done and my mind cleared of all the “stuff” that needed to be done, I started to feel crampy around 8pm. No big deal I thought, I’ll just rest some more. I never had Braxton hicks so I thought that I might finally be feeling those. However, these were low and not high and came consistently. I decided to try to track them. After about 2 hours, I realized that they were consistently 15 minutes apart lasting for 30 seconds on average. Was this labor? Nah, I was too early.

                I tried to go to bed around midnight and I consistently woke up every 15 minutes and the sensation started to move to my back as well.  The feeling was not painful, just very uncomfortable. I woke up my boyfriend Max and informed him that if these were in fact contractions, they were still coming.  I was still in denial that this was labor. I still had 3 weeks left of sleeping in! I still had 3 more weeks left to complain about how uncomfortable I was! I also knew that Max had a very busy day the next day at work and I didn’t want to go to the hospital in the wee hours of the night, just to be told it was false labor and him be dead tired for work in a few hours. But by 3am, we decided to go ahead and call the doctor. The doctor on call was not my doctor and he was obviously sleeping when they paged him. I told him what was going on and he asked, “Is this your first baby?” After I confirmed that it was, he told me to try to go back to sleep and if the pain continued after an hour then to come into labor and delivery.

                I went downstairs and got my big green labor ball out and sat on it and rolled my hips across it. I thought it might be a good idea to practice some breathing for when I was actually in labor 3 weeks from then. An hour came and went and I decided to give it another hour before waking Max up. When the contractions were still consistently at 5 minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds on average, I thought it would be a good time to go in. The sun was starting to come up so that made me feel a little better.

                I told Max that we probably didn’t need to take the labor bag that was halfway packed but he insisted that we bring it with us just in case. We left behind the diaper bag and the car seat.  On the way to the hospital, Max asked me if I was ready to meet my son. That question caught me off guard. I think that was when I started to admit to myself that this could be real. The time could be now.

                A million more thoughts started to run through my brain. One very big thought had me captivated in fear. I was early. 3 weeks and 2 days early to be exact. What if something is wrong with him? Then I realized that I wasn't going to be able to deliver in the birth center as I had planned because I was 36 weeks and 5 days. The rules were that for someone to participate in the birth center, they had to be at least 37 weeks pregnant. I was 2 days shy. My heart sank deeper in my stomach. I began to fear what the regular labor and delivery people were going to try and make me do. I didn't want any interventions and I knew that the staff in labor and delivery could be impatient.

                After 2 hours in triage and me being pissed that I couldn't get up to walk around through my contractions, they finally took me back to check me around 8am. To everyone’s surprise (even the nurse), I was 5cm dilated and 90% effaced. Now this is when it REALLY hit me. I also had a moment of being optimistic as I was already half way done and it hadn't been so bad.

                They confirmed that I would not be able to do the birth center and that I had to go to regular labor and delivery. I swallowed my disappointment and told Max that I still wanted to do this naturally. As soon as I got into my labor room, the nurse tried to hook me up to an IV and monitors. I wanted to cry. Max told her my plans and we had to come to an agreement about how my labor was going to go. I let them put in a needle in my hand so that if I would need fluids, I could easily get them without having to start an IV right way. I also had to agree to fetal monitoring but they were able to give me a little travel battery pack that I wore around my neck so I could move around with my contractions.

                For the next 10 hours, I labored hard. I labored in many different positions, never once laying down in bed. Max was wonderful during this process. He worked with me in every way and went beyond my expectations. I got in and out of the bath several times. Max did hours of counter pressure to my hips and I knew he was getting tired too. I rocked, kneeled, walked, leaned and moaned through the contractions. At about 3 hours after I got to my labor room, they asked if they could break my water or give me Pitocin. I refused. I felt strong. 

                Contractions began to get intense and I just knew I had to be making progress. When the nurse checked me, I had only dilated one more centimeter. I was disappointed but wanted to keep going. I labored for another 2 hours (for a total of 20 hours of laboring naturally and awake for about 30 hours at this point) when they checked me again and I had still made no progress. Labor was getting painful and I was losing my energy and my drive. They again suggested breaking my water or giving me some Pitocin. I didn't want my water broken because I knew that would put me on a time limit to have the baby before a C-section was required. I struggled with telling the nurse that yes, I wanted Pitocin and yes, I would take an epidural with it because I couldn’t take the intensity of contractions that Pitocin brought with it. I started to cry after I told her my decision. I felt like a failure. I had preached my whole pregnancy about natural birth and how Pitocin wouldn't have a part in my labor. But here I was, throwing in the towel after laboring naturally for 20 hours. I was low on sleep and my energy tank was on empty. Nothing was going to plan as I had expected all along. The nurses and Max reassured me that I had worked so hard and that I should be proud of myself. It was hard to believe them because I knew it was their job to make me feel better. I swallowed the guilt as I leaned over for my epidural.

                I was only able to get about an hour of sleep with the epidural. By 7pm, it was shift change and I got a new nurse. This one was nice as well and was optimistic about the baby coming soon.  When the doctor suggested we think about breaking my water since I was still slowly progressing, I felt even more defeated. We discussed our concerns with breaking my water and how it would likely lead to C-section if I still didn’t progress. They assured us that it was highly unlikely at this point in my labor. We agreed and not even 15 minutes later, I had progressed to an 8.5. Another 20 minutes later and I was a 9. Things were really starting to happen!

                One thing I don’t understand is how so many women have claimed that the epidural is the best thing ever. I felt SO much pressure that I felt like the epidural wasn’t doing anything.  It was worse than my contractions that I had naturally. This could be due to the Pitocin though. Regardless, I had the expectation that I wasn’t supposed to feel any of this. I could still feel my legs a little and I was able to move positions in my bed with little assistance. The pain was growing stronger and I felt the need to push. The nurse checked me one more time and I was fully dilated and ready to go. All I had to do was get baby out. I pushed and pushed but all that was happening was nothing! The baby was turned at an angle and couldn’t “fix” himself. He was stuck and the only part that was even slightly showing was the swelling of his head.  I was in extreme pain and losing my hope. I was worried about my baby.

                My doctor came in after about an hour and a half of pushing and suggested that I start to think about a C-section. He didn’t say it was necessary, but I knew that if he was bringing it up, it was inevitable that it was going to happen. I looked at Max and told him it was time to get the baby out and it was time to stop putting the baby and I through this. We agreed to a C-section.

                Of course I felt even more defeated. I was just another one of those stories that I didn’t want to be. My plan for a natural birth spiraled down the toilet very quickly. Even after making it to 10cm, I still couldn’t get the baby out.

                Getting wheeled to the operating room was not fun. It was scary. When Max came in, I felt relief. The moments leading up to them getting the baby out were intense. They had to reach up inside me and get him “unstuck” so they could pull him through my uterus. The nurse would later tell me that it would have been nearly impossible to deliver him vaginally if he stayed in the position he was. When they showed him to me over the curtain, all I could say was “my baby!” as tears streamed down my face. River Bennett was born at 12:58 am.  They took him away to do the usual baby evaluation and I got another string of disappointment. I wanted my baby with me. I wanted him on my skin. I didn’t want him to think I abandoned him. Luckily, they were able to let Max do skin to skin with him.

                They let me have River on my chest as they wheeled me to recovery. He immediately stopped crying and snuggled close to me. I felt so happy and relieved to have him in my arms. As soon as I was feeling happy again, they took him away from me because of his breathing. He was breathing too rapidly because of the fluid in his lungs. I had to watch them take him from me and do test on him while he screamed. It felt like a dagger to the chest. All I wanted to do was comfort him and hold him. They told me they were taking him to the nursery for further evaluation and they wheeled him away in an incubator. I was devastated.

                About 2 hours later, they wheeled me into the nursery and let me touch his hand.  He was the only baby in there. He had a breathing mask on and was highly upset. I hated seeing him like that. I had to go back to my recovery room without my baby. They took River to the NICU the next day because they thought he might have an infection. Over the next few days, River gradually improved but was not able to breastfeed still. They finally let me breastfeed him on his 3^rd day of life and he took to it very well.

                River stayed in the NICU for a total of 6 days. He developed jaundice in addition to the “possible infection.” He had to stay under light therapy for a few days. Luckily, Miami Valley has parent rooms (very similar to a hotel room) that are connected to the NICU. They allowed me to stay in one of the rooms so I could wake up and breastfeed him throughout the night. If I wasn’t sleeping in the parent room, I was in River’s room. I hated leaving his side. The day we got left the hospital was a happy one.

                It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do to watch my baby be hooked up to IV’s, wires, and lights. I hated seeing the nurses evaluate him. I hated that this had to happen to us. I thought I was prepared for everything, but the NICU was not something that ever crossed my mind. Things could have been worse. Things could have been A LOT worse, but I don’t want to trivialize the emotions that my family went through as River went through recovery. Reflecting on those days, reminds me to be thankful for him. Being a new mommy is not easy and is very exhausting but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. River is my life now and I am looking forward to happy days with him and the rest of our family.